A Real Guide to Flying Long Haul with Kids

(or, why everyone is lying to you)

I am an Australian who had the good fortune to marry an Englishman. Apart from guaranteeing me a lifetime of excellent cups of tea, it also means our family is at one with the Long Haul Flight. So ‘at one’, that our daughter has now run the AUS - UK gauntlet almost as many times as she’s had birthdays.

It means, if there’s a ‘How To’ on flying with littlies, I’ve read it. And guess what? 

They all say the same thing, and they’re all written by dirty liars. 

2013-01-05 11.26.49.jpeg

SO. As the school holidays loom and some families stare down the barrel of 12+ hours in an increasingly fetid metal tube, please enjoy my real, hard-earned tips on how to fly long-long-haul with a tiny human. 

1. Fly at night, day, whatever. It’ll still suck.

This ‘fly at night so they sleep’ thing is bollocks. In my experience your child will inevitably be so overstimulated by airport transfers and smiley flight attendants that it’ll still take them 2-3 hours to sleep after take-off. Pop that behind a delayed departure time and you’re staring into the abyss at 3am wondering how your life took you to this bad, mad place. So don’t worry about scheduling, and focus on what you can do in the hours, instead.

2. Get the tech and TEST IT FIRST

OK. Come closer … shhh … *child headphones probably won’t work* … 

On one of our first flights, I couldn’t understand why The Kid wasn’t transfixed by Peppa like she normally was. Those volume-controlled headphones that protect their precious little eardrums? I tried them on, and couldn’t hear a thing over the engine noise. Bugger. She ended up smugly wearing my husband’s billion dollar Bose, and he glumly made do with the airline set like the rest of us plebs.

3. The Super Important Flight Pack

This is the proverbial oxygen tank: your trip does. not. exist. without this bag. Treat it with the respect it deserves. Apart from the toys, snacks, medication, clothes and nappies everyone else says you should pack; it should also contain:

  • Rolls of dog poo bags, which are easier to pack than nappy bag packs.

  • A kids’ water bottle that doesn’t leak when the cabin pressure changes - we’ve ruined a few changes of clothes this way.

  • Ziploc bags: all sizes. For wet clothes, crayons that have lost their homes, hourly chair-rubbish sweeps and, your sanity.

  • Portable USB chargers for endless screentime.

  • Valium. HAHA! I’m kidding. Or am I?


4. Rewards (read: bribes)

Buy up and buy up big. Buy anything that your kid loves, can encourage play, doesn’t have any small parts, is palm-sized and NEW. 

Now here comes the stupid bit, and the only ‘real’ travel tip I ever actually used: wrap them up. I know, I know. But it works, trust me. Wrap them all up individually in tissue paper (less bulky) and keep them in a lucky-dip bag, ready to be doled out regularly over the whole trip. 

Save a few for after landing: the drive away from the airport is when our kid normally goes fully nuclear.

5. Illness will occur. lean into it.

Whether it’s pre, during or post flight - there’s something about travel and children that attracts germs. So prepare like a hypochondriac on a shopping spree: pack 100ml bottles of children’s drugs. You’ll thank yourself when you’re flying through time zones and life throws you a bacterial curve ball like, oh … a toddler with school sores and conjunctivitis*?

*Yes, this happened. Yes, it looked like I sitting with a party-sized leper.

6. There are no rules, except for one rule

AND THAT’S THE RULE OF STILL AND QUIET. Repeat after me: ‘Is my child still and quiet? Then we’re good’. 

Your kid wants to subsist entirely on potato chips for 24 hours? Do it. Your kid won’t sleep, but will stare catatonically at an iPad until you fall asleep on her shoulder? Do it. Your kid wants to role-play battle scenes with figurines on the tray table for three hours? Grit your teeth, take shifts with your partner and do it.

Are they still and quiet? Then. It. Doesn’t. Matter.

7. Accept it will be terrible

Many of the ‘Long Haul’ guides finish with a smiling stock shot of a family happily disembarking. This is a lie. 

Bad things will happen. Things will go wrong. Bodily fluids will be spilt. But remind yourself that flying long haul with a child is like labour. It’s painful, it’s necessary, but it will - eventually - end.

Godspeed!